Day 50: Ultimate Showdown

Damn, that was exhausting! I spent the last couple weeks brawling my way through the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. I’m warning you people now – Abraham Lincoln is a badass.

I’m glad there were civilians filming it, but I don’t think they got my good side when I took a bite out of Optimus Prime like Scruff McGruff taking a bite out of crime.

Day 41: Warm Beer

Rodan’s freezer is broken again. You need a hell of a lot of freon to keep things cool at the base of a volcano. I guess this means i should bring Guinness to our next poker night, but to be honest, I picked up a taste for Bud Light while I was in America. Maybe I’m confusing that with my taste for truckers. Seems like the two always go together.

Since I like cold beer, I told Rodan he should get one of those Energy Star freezers. That set him off on a tirade about greenhouse gasses.  Humans can’t crank them out fast enough. Another fifty years and Earth will be almost as warm as it was when he was a kid - unless some human government actually abides by the Kyoto treaty. What a whiner. I keep telling him worst case scenario it might take 80, but Rodan’s always on about how long it takes to get a jungle really steamy and how giant ferns used to tickle his belly when he flew and the next thing you know he’s throwing everyone’s poker cards in the air and storming out to start another damn hurricane off the coast of China.

I think I’ll destroy Kyoto for him this weekend. Might cheer the old guy up.

Day 40: Smashed

Look, kid. This town’s only big enough for one radioactive green badass, and that’s me. You can keep Liv Tyler and Jennifer Connelly. I’m spending Saturday night with a hydra I met off the coast of Madagascar. Sure, those American planes trailing you were a crunchy treat, but you can’t suck up to me with snacks. You’ve had your fun. Tanks flew through the air. Buildings fell down. News helicopters swarmed over your rampage. Play time is over now, though. Haul your tiny green ass back to America before I show you what a real SMASH means.

Day 33

Broke off a chunk of coral reef trying to scrape barnacles off my scales.  All that delicious scratching churned up enough water nearby surfers flew into the air like squishy snacks with a crunchy core. It’d be cruel to let them drown – especially when they’re so tangy.

Surfers must reproduce in litters. It doesn’t matter how many I eat. Two weeks later, the beach is just as packed with them. Must remember to remind the Shark Headed Nagoth I found a fresh batch. He says surfboards make the best toothpicks.

Day 27- Online dating

Went to MonsterMatch.com a couple of days ago and posted a profile. Tried using a pseudonym as I don’t want Mothra to find out. No responses yet. I sent a message to a pretty Hydra in the Indian Ocean, but she hasn’t responded. Maybe I need better pictures. The ones I have make me look all rubbery and fake.

Day 21- Visiting USA

Saw Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Maybe Broderick isn’t so bad. He’s still not an action star. Felt a bit bad about Venice Beach. Those weightlifters weren’t doing anything wrong, and they tasted weird.

Day 20- Visiting USA

My publicist arranged a trip to California for me to talk about American movies and such. It was a pleasant swim. Ran into a school of sailboats along the way. It was a pleasant snack.

Meeting on beach with my American agent, ad firm, and studio executives. They screened the latest me film. Matthew Broderick!!! They made Matthew Broderick the action star?? Terrible.

I stomped Venice Beach flat. Let the agent live. That’s progress, right?

Day 15 – Rage against the machine!

I would’ve gotten away with it if not for those pesky kids!

Come on. No one would even know Kobe existed if not for their infamous beef. Who’s going to miss a downtown with so few skyscrapers?

Voltron.

I hate him. I hate all five of his mystical lion robot bodies. I hate him so much I waded over to Africa and seared an entire pride of lions with my radioactive breath. The new therapist says I need to see the good in life. I tried to enjoy the subtle beauty of rapidly growing cancerous tumors as radiation poisoning consumed the lion’s flesh.

It may be time for a new therapist.

Day 14- Chores

Tried to clean up the house today. Do you know how hard it is to vacuum a sea cave? Even wet vacs won’t work. I tried a pool vacuum. It imploded under the water pressure down here. Finally, I just seared everything with my atomic breath.

Now my couch is charred and I melted my Wiimote. Sigh, no Wii Tennis for me for awhile.

Day 13- Haiku Therapy

Wearing my image.
Man in rubber suit, stumbles.
Hate the studio.